MATRIONIAL Ads. - yaa, hoo.

‘ Innocent divorcee’
‘ Innocently divorced ‘
Hear from an old hand, and that is me. Don’t waste your time on a Sunday morning reading the newspaper, full of reports on mayhem or the shenanigans of two bit politicians. That only spoils your mood in the morning on a good holiday. Yes, ogling at the scantily dressed starlets in the third page or supplement would definitely cheer up the male reader/viewer. And for the females there is enough in the gossip column about the affairs of stars and also where ‘ Sale ‘ is taking place. But otherwise depression level goes up as you read more and more political stories. Instead, turn to the supplement on matrimonial ads. There is plenty to make you laugh till the lunch time.
Look up at the phrases in the beginning of this write up. You will first doubt whether anybody would write this in a matrimonial ad. You will think I have pulled a fast one. Believe me, not only these phrases are used in matrimonial ads. but there is plenty more in the same vein, as you would find out by the time you finish reading this write up. Doubting Thomases and those who wonder whether I am pulling a fast one could look into the supplement on matrimonial ads. to verify what I have stated, which is nothing but honest truth.

After studying the subject, pondering over the phrases mentioned in the beginning of this write up and applying my gray matter, I must say I have become an expert in deciphering what such phrases mean. If you want to enjoy reading matrimonial ads. then you have to develop the talent to decipher abbreviations and also what the advertiser wants to convey through certain phrases used. In fact I consider that this is a good subject for a Phd. thesis.
The fellow who had used the first phrase in the ad. wants to convey that he had an earlier marriage but that ended in a divorce. By adding innocently the word ‘ innocent ‘ he is crying out loud and clear that he was a victim in the earlier marriage and he is innocent in the break up of that marriage. He is seeking your ( reader’s ) sympathy and also making a clear and honest statement to those parents who are looking for suitable match for their daughters the fact that he is a decent guy and this is proved by his announcement of his innocence that ended the earlier marriage. Unsaid, he is reaching out to the prospective bride with a soul rending cry of ‘ here is an opportunity for you to put into practice the much adored Indian woman’s trait of giving solace to those who despair. I am a decent guy. I am an eligible bridegroom. But I have been taken for a ride. I am innocent. You could undo what fate has done to me.’ And there is an indirect proposition to the parents of girls looking for grooms. No big demand for dowry because he is divorced.
Mostly the ads. are from Indian males who had escapades in foreign countries forcing them in a moment of amnesia to marry white skinned women. Only a spoil sport would think of replyingto the effect ‘ O.K. you claim you are innocent. We want to verify the fact. Please send your ex-spouse’s address.’

There is something wrong with the phrase used in the second one, i.e., ‘innocently divorced.’
Does it mean that the person was sleeping when his wicked wife divorced him. Or did she drug him or hypnotize him and got his signature on the divorce paper and that he was not aware when the judge approved divorce. The above are only samples. More merrier is the ad. with the statement that the prospective bride is a ‘ virgin.’ But the hottest one is that which claims that the bride is ‘ absolute virgin.’ Now what is this business of being absolute virgin. I don’t know how the prospective bride grooms and their parents respond to these claims. But having nothing better to do I allow my imagination to run riot. Suppose the prospective bride groom replies to the ad. about the girl being virgin to the effect that to verify your claim, at the ‘ boy meets the girl ‘ ceremony, I am coming with my doctor for physical verification of the girl to confirm the statement made in the ad. In the case of ‘ absolute virgin, ‘ one fellow can tell the other fellow, ‘ Oh, you got a virgin girl. That is nothing. I got one who is absolutely virgin.’ But I am a bit puzzled. Either one is a virgin or not a virgin. What is this business of being absolute virgin. Would someone clarify. Sometime back there was a report in a newspaper that according to a survey conducted in Delhi ( quite often such surveys are limited to two or three persons or is a figment of imagination of the writer ) it was found that a large percentage of college girls have openly admitted that they had done it. Probably it is because of this development that some of the parents would have thought that in ads. inviting spouses for their daughters, they must convey, ‘ yes, some wicked girls in Delhi must have done it, but not my daughter, whose character is lily white.’

I am not a prude. But many of my friends are. There are others who are squeamish, abhor anything prurient and are or pretend to be unspoken members of the Moral Brigade. Some may be closet voyeurs. But that is neither here nor there. Sol let me change the gear. These ads. are veritable treasure troves. But one has to learn to decode the meaning of euphemisms used in these ads. So also one has to be adept in deciphering abbreviations used. For example, terms, such as ‘ high forehead ‘ or ‘ thinning hair.’ What is said euphemistically when decoded would mean that the prospective bride-groom is ‘ baldy.’ But don’t blame him. You don’t expect that in such ads. one would say truth only and the whole truth. On the contrary he has been truthful in admitting that his pate has only thin coverage. Same story goes for abbreviations. ‘V’b’ful’ in shorthand becomes ‘ Very Beautiful ‘ in long hand. Ads. are sold on the basis of space. Hence parents of brides and grooms have to use their ingenuity in cramming up in a very limited space all that they want to state. Then again one has to learn to understand hidden meanings in the ad. For example, if the ad. describes the edibles that the parents of the groom are fond of, you can take it that they are looking for a bride who is also a culinary expert. I can say unabashedly that I have become an expert in such decoding, though there is very little demand for my expertise. Letme become Sherlock Holmes because readers are more like ignoramus Watson and hence teach you the elementary methods of decoding, as below:
Ad. Write up Decoded message
High forehead: . Thinning hair Baldy
Not very : Shorty
Innocent divorcee" My former wife could not stand the sight of me
Innocently married did not know when I signed the deed before the magistrate
that my wicked wife has taken me for a ride
Virgin: Boldly stating this is on the assumption or hope that the bridegroom is ignoramus so
far as female biology and anatomy were concerned
Absolute virgin" Here is a modern and confident girl ( or her parents ) who is
sure that she would be able to convince the idiot of a groom that she is a virgin, even if she is not.
Age 50, but looks 35 (b) : The fellow regularly does make up, has a wig and false teeth.
Now what does (b) stand for. Is it bachelor or bastard.
Most handsome: The fellow has leukemia
Girl only consideration: ( What else could be ). So one must conclude that it is an indirect message for dowry.
All family members are This is to indicate that Income: Income Tax payers tax people have not yet caught any of the family members. Then again conceit can take any shape.
Highly educated with no airs : An MA in Hindi
Home educated " Flunked in eighth standard a number of times and hence his fprmal education was terminated at a tender age. After that he remained a permanent fixture in the
house doing nothing.
Modern but cultured : It is only a moron who would think that anybody who is
modern cannot be cultured. Or his meaning of modern is that of the Hindi fillum villain
Distant relative are settled abroad. I would like to join them. Will you help with a large
dowry.
Or., relatives abroad is a status symbol. But stating that they are distant relatives helps when the girl’s idiot of a brother wants to go abroad saying that they are
only distant relatives.
Alliance invited from a Sati, Savitri, Sita, , Laxmi and Saraswati -girl who is affectionate
broad minded, caring, honest, humble, loyal and prudent. = all in one piece.
Wanted a girl who will give high respect to the parents of the groom: I am fed up with them. The bride should be able to get them off my back.
Absolutely affluent : In the profession of smuggling
High status ( VIP ) - or politician, which often means the same
Groom’s parents like Makai ki roti: We required a non salaried cook. So for the
bride after the marriage it is straight journey to the kitchen
Issueless ( No fault ). Is the ‘ No fault ‘ adjective for lnability.
.
Sincerity and love is the Message: I am far above the loathsome fellows who
only consideration demand dowry in cash.
However, if the girl has not got the attributes mentioned then I may have to accept
dowry in cash.

Extracts from an acknowledged author on the subject are reproduced below:
"Many a parent knows that any attempt to find a match for his brat within his circle of acquaintances would be completely fruitless, he had no option but to put an ad. in the newspapers and hope that someone who did not know the brat would read it.
SM: Suitable Match ( and not sadomasochist )
PQM: Professionally Qualified Match ( and not pretty queer male )
SPQM B’ful Cltrd frm Stld fly: Suitable Professionally Qualified , beautiful, cultured from settled family
PQM for PB BR boy: ( Poor Bihari, Pauchy Bengali, Bloody Rude, Generally Bald or Good Boozer
NUDE: Nice, Understanding, Decent, and Elegant bride"
HOT: Handsome, Outstanding and Tall
BIKINI: Beautiful, Interesting, Knowledgeable, Independent, Nice Individual
Back to my writing. The messages in many ads. are not subtle. The attitude is ‘ could not care what you think. But this is what I want.’ The girl must be ‘ pure.’ This is just a variation of the girl being ‘virgin’ cited earlier. Wanted ‘ homely’ girl. Now this is pure fun. What is meant by the term ‘ homely’ is that the girl should ideally adjust to the family and should treat the new home as her home. But then none of those who wrote this ad. cared to look at the dictionary meaning of ‘ homely ‘ which is ‘ plain looking.’ In fact in the English language the phrase plain looking is meant to convey that the girl is not attractive. It is O.K. if the girl is only ‘ somewhat educated.’ After all she is going to be essentially servant in the new home. The girl atleast must be ‘ locally beautiful’ meaning that if she is not fit for national beauty contest atleast must stand out among the girls of the mohalla. It is not sufficient for the girl to be beautiful, she has to be ‘ really beautiful.’
In India still marriage is considered to be a one time affair in the life. So why should the boy or parents of the boy or girl takchance in advertising what type of specimen they are looking for.
This is not a matter to be coy or shy. Those attitudes are evident from the following ads.
" The girl ( wanted ) intellectually, culturally accomplished with or without professional education, willing to set up a happy, healthy home.’
( In other words, presently it is not a happy home. Then again for achieving the objective, would the girl being intellectually and culturally inclined to help. Don’t say why I should be a spoil sport and ask these stupid questions. )
" In search of Bold & Beautiful slim life partner to travel the life journey with care, love and respect." ( Unstated message: the girl should be as voluptuous as the girls in the Bold & Beautiful serial).
" If she is a real stunning beauty, professionally qualified, preferably medico, long hair, a rare combination of brain and beauty, understands humour, values relationship."
( All my life I have been miserable. So why can’t I have pleasant dream of getting a bride like that )
" Good person, loving, caring, honest good looking, good cook, own house, car."
( But why did he leave out his job or profession or that he is in business. The inference to be drawn is that he would like the would be bride to have all the attributes and ownership of what has been advertised but that he is a loafer. )
" I believe that there is no greater thing than for two human souls to feel that they are joined for life – to continuously create shared
joy, to strengthen each other in all labour, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable memories at the moment of the last parting. I see marriage as the practice of becoming life-long passionate friends.’ ( The guy or girl is not normal. He or she is in for a great disappointment after marriage ).
‘Business turnover eight figures. Tea-totaller, strict vegetarian, ungiven to vices, hard thinker, possesses astute business acumen, studied intermediate English medium.’
( Here is a typical Hindi fillum hero. Only positive traits. Forgot to mention that he could fight also ).
‘ No issues whatsoever.’ ( meaning no children )
‘ Someone must prove that beauty and brain do exist. Looking for a sensational beauty with oodles of common sense, grace and no airs. Everything else is immaterial. The boy is petulant, aggressive, romantic, original, very successful industrialist with lots of foreign degrees. Please do me a favour and don’t send me Xeroxed bio-data’s.’ ( Nit wits abound this earth. Do I need to comment any more).
‘ Looking younger by decades ( He is seventy but looks fifty),

‘ Fair, smart, attractive, affectionate, soft spoken, cheerful with a high sense of humour yet sober, sophisticated, accomplished, caring and home loving with strong belief in family and human values.’ ( What has humour got to do with being sober )
‘ Divorcee with a very brief and notional spell of married life.’ ( ‘Brief’ I can understand. But what does ‘notional’ mean )
" Smart, gori, sweet nature, V. beautiful"
" Seek beautiful, educated and flexible girl."
( I am again foxed. What does ‘ flexible’ girl means)
" Divorcee ( Single again by Luck not by choice ) taking again an honest second chance." ( Meaning that in the second choice what the earlier one did to me I may do with you ).
‘ very independent ( no brothers )’
( This is from ad. for a bride. But what is the message in the words in brackets )
‘ We have only 2 sons and no daughter.’
( This is from an ad. for a bride. Message must be that there need be no apprehension of cat fight after the marriage )
‘ He is an all American with an Eastern Soul ‘ ( Looks like a bargain offer, i.e., two buys at one price )
Male chauvinism is amply evident in these ads. The groom may be 60. But he wants a bride under 30. The man may be divorcee

but he wants only virgin. The groom’s leg is amputated or has some other deformity but still he wants only beautiful girl as bride.
Some of the ads. devote most of the write up to describe parents and relatives, with hardly any mention about the girl or boy. It is like the cub reporter describing a wedding. He wrote elaborately about the bride and closed the write up stating that the bridegroom did not turn up.
Now I come to abbreviations:
LPA: Lakh per annum(salary)
Ed: Educated
Prof. Professional
Prof. Qlfd: Professionally qualified Fmly: Family
BHP: Bio-data, Horoscope, Photo
4: For
NI: North Indian
V’b’ful: Very beautiful
Dent: Decent
Ed: Educated
Many ads. are lyrical. In some, the copy is at once bold and beautiful. Sample these:
" Do U dare to speak the truth & hate liar? R u barren, healthy, gen’rous, skilled logician, deplined, jovial, strong princ’pd, with ethical values from v.honest, fin strong, edu. Fly, afraid of
infidelity, s’fishness, profligacy, betrayal, cruelty & hence aloof?
28 yrs exp. Clerical cat’gory, jobless 47 ( looks v. young )/5’
4"/55/12 std. xtreme honest, free from all diseases & addicts. Xtra
caring, God f’ring, greedless, idealist, s’nsitive, s’f ward, self-g’dian, ready to join gal’s house/buss, is ideal 4 amity turns happy married life. Kol based, Mumbt, homely, unempld fair, elgnt, slim, wheatish, EB, Sylhet, Br, 35-40, gd cook, reluctant to conceive, prfrd. Boaster, trifler, xcuse!"
" Transcending prejudices to all intents and purposes it seeks the zeal and woman grits committing at the out set to walk along leaving holistic footprints of womanhood behind. Reponsibly aiming at accomplishment than achievement. I have the cause and the means for such to go husbandly. Blessed as ordered and healthy physical being, complimented as witty, I am 40 on the way with my time tested conviction and hence tracing my complementing half. To keep self-negating ones at bay, I say no grudge to or even welcome if in your on right. I am none of so called big names of the day, more for purposive than any other reason. May we turn out loving our equally own world in agreement! Please facilitate!" ( Don’t newspaper people check before publishing to find out whether this one has come from a lunatic asylum ).
When I read the above ads. first I thought of calling Sherlock Holms to unravel for me the mystery of various abbreviations. Then I realized that the poor guy had conked long back. Then I thought of consulting a Prof. But I abandoned the idea because most of the Professors are half gone and reading the above ad. would make the fellow a completely gone case. What we need is a Government committee to look into the matter because Government committees would take up even the least trivial matters for their worthy consideration.
How about the following one:
" VERY H’some, Mid 30/6, Absolutely looks 20s MBA Under Grad. Ivy league & Boarding School. Very Fair, Athletic, Cheerful, good looking, optimistic personality"
Despite my brain making an honest effort to decipher what does ‘ MBA Under Grad.’ means, I must confess that my brain conceded defeat.
" Seeking a girl who is well educated but strives to learn more, is gainfully busy but takes time out to keep fit, dresses to make heads turn, is sweet, spirited, graceful and fun for a charming bachelor, almost zero maintenance, Mr. two square feet but makes up by his willingness to learn and understanding of girl’s need for space, dozens of shoes and handbags."
Despite being an expert on the subject, I must admit I have not been able to unravel the mystery on what the words in italics mean. Will one of my readers enlighten me.
" English gentleman ( Professional Engineer ) mid 50s/5.10, seeks Indian matrimonial match. He is caring, funny, generous at heart, sporty and fit. Enjoys nature and outdoors."
Is he tired of goris. Or is he thinking that unlike goris, Indian women would not demand equal rights.

" If she is a real stunning beauty professionally qualified preferably medico long hair a rare combination of brain and beauty, understanding humour, values relationship."
Despite becoming a Guru on the subject of matrimonial ads. I have not been able to decipher what the phrase ‘ A single Doctorate’ in an ad. means:
To those who doubt whether such ads. are being published, the reader of this write up has a choice of looking into matrimonial ad. pages or contacting me for a copy of any of the ads. mentioned above ( of course for a fee ). Since in this country a few hours of reading is passed on as research, I can justifiably claim that I have done research on the subject and my findings are:
Dowry is prohibited by law. Yet many ads. state that there would be no demand for dowry. The obvious conclusion is that dowry is still being demanded openly.
Increasing number of ads. from divorcees. Those who are keen to catch up with the West, here is one area where we are doing it.
Desis who are settled in foreign countries are increasingly seeking brides with a religious bent of mind.
All want slim girls. Good for slimming shops. All emphasise on girls being very fair.
Cash registers of newspapers are ringing loudly because of increase in number of ads. as well as long write ups, despite shortening many words.
What happens next. Let me do some more research.